New Years Diet

 So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet. A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!" The wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale again when you're done and the difference is the weight of your poop?" And the husband says, "... yeah, I guess I could do it that way..."

Labels:
  • bugs to eat
    A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
  • fast food and illegal immigration
    Why is Fast Food increasing illegal immigration? "Fast" food slows you down when it hits your stomach, parks there, and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship.
  • the choice
    A passenger on an airplane sits next to a priest. Soon after the plane takes off, he accepts a glass of wine from the friendly stewardess, but the priest smiles apologetically at the stewardess’ offer and explains, “As a representative of the Catholic Church, I have to refuse the alcohol, just as I…
  • how to think
    A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says,…