Buried in China

Three men were buried under a landslide in China. They're inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still have cell phone connection. The first man made a phone call to the police: "I'm a good citizen and husband, please come save us!" The police tell him they will come for them in 24 hours The second man made a phone call to the army: "Comrade, I served the country as you do, please get me out of here!" The soldier tell him they will come for them in 12 hours The final man made a phone call to someone, and made a whisper which the other two man can't hear Within an hour, the men were dug out and rescued A group of police officer walks up to the weary men: "Alright, which one of you said Taiwan is a country?"

Expedition in the Amazon

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon. They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death." After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor him." He takes a sword and impales himself. The natives take him away, skin him, and turn him into a canoe. The Brit says, "my father gave me his pistol on his deathbed. I shall shoot myself in honor of him." The Brit takes the gun and shoots himself. The natives take him away, skin him, and turn him into a canoe. Awhile later, the American asks for a fork. Confused they give him a fork and he starts stabbing himself all over. The natives scream out, "what are you doing?!" The American replies, "You're not turning me into a canoe!"

Iwan and his President

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks 

- Where are you from, private? 

- Sir, St. Petersburg 

- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father? 

- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.

 - That is impossible, how can that be? 

- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country. 

 Surprised but pleased, Putin tell the recruit: 

 - That actually makes sense, but really who's your mother then? 

- Sir, my mother is Russia. 

- How so? 

- Because people always say Russia is mother of all people, all ethnic, all nation.

Laughing out loud, Putin's liken the new recruit with great hope and ask him friendly. 

 - Spectacular private, what role model do you want to become? 

- I want to be an orphan, sir.

A Finnish War

During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland. He replied “first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets”. The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why. “We are civilized people. Work comes before pleasure”, the general replied.

Russian Hell vs. American Hell

A Russian and an American are sentenced to Hell. The Devil summons them and says: “Guys, you have 2 options: an American or Russian Hell. In the American one you can do what you want, but you’ll have to eat a bucket of shit every morning. The Russian one is the same, but it’s 2 buckets.” The Yankee quickly makes up his mind and goes to American Hell, while the Russian eventually chooses the Russian one. In a week or so they meet. The Russian asks: “So, what’s it like out there?” “Exactly what the devil said, the Hell itself is OK, but eating a bucket of shit is killing me. And you?” “Ah, it feels just like home – either the shit doesn’t get delivered or there aren’t enough buckets for everyone.”

Vacation in Moscow

A couple goes on vacation to Moscow. One night they decide to take a horse and buggy sight-seeing. They get in a carriage and the driver introduces himself as Rudolf. Off they go. Unfortunately, the weather turns foul on them. "Darn. It looks like rain," the husband says. "No. Is drizzle," says the driver. "Actually, I'm pretty sure it's a full rain," says the husband. "No! Is drizzle!" the driver repeats, louder now. "Honestly, we should have brought our umbrellas. This is definitely rain!" the husband repeats. The driver stops the horse. He turns and points angrily. "No! Is drizzle!" The husband is about to argue, but his wife stops him. "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."

Jews in Mexico

An Austrian asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”

fast food and illegal immigration

Why is Fast Food increasing illegal immigration?
"Fast" food slows you down when it hits your stomach, parks there, and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship.

modern times

A frustrated Japanese father vented, "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player." "So what do you do?" asked his friend. "I send him to MY room!" exclaimed the father.

3 lies from texas

What are the 3 lies a Texan will always tell?
(1) I won this belt buckle at a rodeo!
(2) My pick-up is paid for!
(3) I was just helping that SHEEP over the fence!