So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet. A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!" The wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale again when you're done and the difference is the weight of your poop?" And the husband says, "... yeah, I guess I could do it that way..."
A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig. The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig? The judge says, That is correct. And does it mean that I can't call a pig Ms. Harding? No, says the judge, you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that. The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.
Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat. One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door. "Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable to see her, gives a slight nod behind the furniture before bringing it inside. Without a word, he leaves the cathedral, no sign of seeing her shame. An hour later, a second knock on the door. "Window man." Says he, to whom the second nun reluctantly opens the door. To her relief, again the man's sight was obstructed, the box for the windows wide and tall. The man strides in, giving a slight nod, before tirelessly leaving the box near the far wall and returning to his truck, unaware of the nuns nakedness. An hour later, the door is struck a third time. The man cries out "Blind man." With a sigh of relief, the third nun strolls to the door. Upon opening it, the man with the slight box looks her over. "Nice tits. So where do you want these blinds?"
Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some good things and some bad. I'm willing to let you in if you can answer me one question. Why do we celebrate easter?". The girls think about it for a bit and then the first blonde steps up and says, "Easter is when we get dressed up in scary outfits and knock on everyones doors and get candy." Saint Peter shakes his head, and announces "I'm sorry, but that's wrong.", taps her on the forehead and she disappears, banished to purgatory for eternity. The second blonde steps up and says "Well, that's we all get together to sing carols and exchange presents and decorate the tree." Again, Saint Peter shakes his head, steps forward and taps her on the forehead and she vanishes to purgatory. The last blonde steps forward and says "well, easter just so happens to occur near the time of the jewish passover, but originially, it was the celebration of when the Roman soldiers crucified Jesus. They then took his body and placed it in a giant cave behind a huge boulder." Saint Peter smiles and says "That's perfect!" The blonde looks upset as she continues on despite his interruption "And every Easter, they move the rock and let him out, and if Jesus sees his shadow, there will be another six weeks of winter!"
An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving. The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity." Then St Peter turns to the Uber driver, and said, "For your 2 years as an Uber driver, we will give you a giant mansion by the lake, and a Ferrari in a heated garage." The priest thought it was strange and unfair, and protested, "Why does the Uber driver deserve so much more than me, when I have devoted my whole life to the church and God?" St Peter explained, "You see - during your sermons, half of the audience was sleeping, and the other half was just looking at their phones; but when the Uber driver was driving, everyone was praying!"
Three moles live in a hole together. One day a pancake breakfast is set up around the mole hole. One of the three moles sticks his head out of the hole and says, "I smell syrup!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says, "I smell ketchup!" The third mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but cannot because the other two are blocking him. Frustrated, he says, "All I smell is molasses!"
A woman is in an accident while she's pregnant. While in a comma she has twins (a boy and a girl). When she woke up she asked the doctor were her baby was. The doctor said she had twins but her brother named them. She replied,"My brother is an idiot I wonder what names he gave them. Anyway what did he name the girl?" "Denise", replied the doctor. That's not so bad."What about the boy", she finally asked. "Denephew"
A few minutes later the woman's husband comes home and opens the wardrobe. He sees the carpenter and asks him "What the hell are you doing here?"
The carpenter says: "Will you believe me if I say I'm waiting for the train?"
As they were sitting there, talking and drinking, the now-ex wife said „I still don’t understand it. He said the reason was because he wanted to be a pastor?“
Her friend replied „Well, he’s always been a strong bee-leaver.“