Baby Names

 

A woman is in an accident while she's pregnant. While in a comma she has twins (a boy and a girl). When she woke up she asked the doctor were her baby was. The doctor said she had twins but her brother named them. She replied,"My brother is an idiot I wonder what names he gave them. Anyway what did he name the girl?" "Denise", replied the doctor. That's not so bad."What about the boy", she finally asked. "Denephew"

Rectal Thermometer

 

A doctor walks into a staff meeting with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. A nurse asks him why he has a thermometer behind his ear? The doctor grabs the thermometer, looks at it, and exclaims, “Damn, some a**hole has my pen!”

Design of Human Body

 Four engineers are arguing over who designed the human body. The mechanical engineer points to the ways the bones, the muscles, and the tendons are joined together and move so smoothly and efficiently, and claims it must have been a mechanical engineer. The electrical engineer diagrams the central and peripheral nervous systems and maintains that it would take an electrical engineer. The hydraulic engineer insists that only a hydraulic engineer could be responsible for the circulation of the blood and the secretions of the many glands. They look to the civil engineer and he says, "Don't look at me. No civil engineer would ever put a sewer outlet next to a recreational area".

Waiting for the Train

 A woman asks a carpenter to fix the wardrobe in their house, because when the train is passing by the house, the wardrobe shakes and makes noise. When the carpenter arrives to the house he tells the woman: "I'll go inside the wardrobe and close the door, and when the train passes by I'll check which part of the wardrobe has this problem."
A few minutes later the woman's husband comes home and opens the wardrobe. He sees the carpenter and asks him "What the hell are you doing here?"
The carpenter says: "Will you believe me if I say I'm waiting for the train?"

About Bees

 

Once the Bodybuilder Bee left his wife. She called a friend for a shoulder to cry on, and she rushed over with chocolate and two bottles of wine.
As they were sitting there, talking and drinking, the now-ex wife said „I still don’t understand it. He said the reason was because he wanted to be a pastor?“
Her friend replied „Well, he’s always been a strong bee-leaver.“

Vacation in Moscow

A couple goes on vacation to Moscow. One night they decide to take a horse and buggy sight-seeing. They get in a carriage and the driver introduces himself as Rudolf. Off they go. Unfortunately, the weather turns foul on them. "Darn. It looks like rain," the husband says. "No. Is drizzle," says the driver. "Actually, I'm pretty sure it's a full rain," says the husband. "No! Is drizzle!" the driver repeats, louder now. "Honestly, we should have brought our umbrellas. This is definitely rain!" the husband repeats. The driver stops the horse. He turns and points angrily. "No! Is drizzle!" The husband is about to argue, but his wife stops him. "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."

The dead Composer

 
A prolific composer dies and is buried in him hometown. Weeks after the funeral, one of the townspeople gets drunk and tries to find his way home. In his drunken stupor, he finds himself lost in the graveyard. When he comes across the composer's grave, he begins to hear a strange, haunting melody. This terrifies him, and he runs out of the graveyard screaming.

The next day, the drunk recounts the experience to his drinking buddies. None of them believe a single word, but his best friend, aiming to put his fears to rest, goes out into the graveyard himself. To his surprise, he hears the same haunting melodies. He quickly brings this to the attention of the town, who begin to crowd around the composer's grave. Eventually, the town music teacher is asked to identify the songs. He puts his ear to the grave:

"Strange! This is his 8th symphony, but backwards!"

The town gasps. The teacher raises his hand to indicate he's not done.

"Now it's his 7th symphony backwards! Now his 6th, now his 5th, and-"

The teacher blinks, then gets up and begins brushing off his clothes.

"No need to be alarmed. He's just decomposing."

Lost in the Desert

A man was lost in the desert for days and days and days and was crawling on his hands and knees. He had heat stroke, sun stroke, everything stroke and in maybe a few minutes he would be dead. In the distance he saw a mirage, he thought. He saw someone coming towards him but he hadn't seen anyone for days. The middle of no where, so he thought this can't be true. And as he looked, it looked as if it was an Eskimo with a dog sled and eight husky dogs in front. And he thought, 'The sun must be making me crazy, it must be a mirage.' But as it came closer, he could make out the sound of the dogs barking and he could see the furs on the Eskimo. And he thought, 'My goodness, I'm actually saved! It's not a mirage after all!' Soon, he could feel the dogs licking his face and he could see the Eskimo standing right before him. "It's a mircale! I'm saved," he said. "I've been lost in the desert for days!" he said to the Eskimo. And the Eskimo replied, "And you think YOU'RE lost."

Fishing in China

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod and fishing box. We’re leaving from office and I’ll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!” The wife noticed that there’s something fishy in her husband’s story but since she was a good wife she listened to her husband and did exactly as he told her. After a week the husband returned home, looking a bit tired but happy to have done a good job. The wife immediately started asking about the weekend, how it was, if he’d caught any fish and so on. The husband said: “Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill and a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pyjamas?” To which the wife responded: “I did…..They’re in your fishing box”.

Three Guys caught by the Demon

A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit. The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip. The American gone first. He wished for a shield made of titanium alloy steel. But the shield held only for two strikes. At the first strike of the demonic whip it severely deformed, at the second strike it protected the American, but completely fell apart. The third strike killed the poor American. Then came the Indian. "I don't need anything to protect myself.", said the Indian. "I practiced yoga for decades, both my mind and my body are ready to withstand any punishment that you whip will give." And so he did. Demon's whip didn't leave even a scar on yogi's body . "Okay, you passed my test", the demon said,"You can go". "I will stick around for while, I'm curious about what the Brit will do." The demon asked the Brit: "Now it's your turn. What will you use to protect yourself?". "Why, the Indian, of course!".

For a walk with the dog

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come and ask you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline and rubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle? The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.

making pasta

A Broadway producer is telling his woes to a bartender and is explaining how much money he is losing on his latest play. He knows it's no good but feels if he could get some awards people would start talking about it and wanting to go see it. He just needs to figure out a way to get this play to win some big awards. The bartender interrupts and says "Hey, I hear you. My mom taught me how to do just that. Come by my place tomorrow and I will teach you too." Skeptically, the producer agrees and shows up at the bartender's house the next day. The bartender has eggs and flour all over the counter. The producer is curious what is going on and asks what this is all for. "Jump on in here, we are going to make some pasta" the bartender replies. "Why are we making pasta!?!" the producer shoots back in frustration. The bartender looks at the producer dumbfounded and exclaims "You wanted to learn how to rigatoni, right?

Born in September

What does it mean if you were born in September? That your parents started the new year with a bang!

Calculations in the Job Interview

A mathematician, an engineer, a lawyer, and an accountant were all up for a job interview: The mathematician was called in and asked as part of the interview, “What is 1+1?” The mathematician gets his calculator out and does the calculation and says “2.” The engineer is then asked the same question when he is called in and he asks for some paper and a pencil. He then draws a few diagrams and he again says, “2.” The lawyer is again asked the question, thinks about it for a second, does some research and says “This answer was proven back in 1946 in the case of 1 vs 1 in which the answer was found to be 2.” The accountant is then asked the same question and he stands up, closes the blinds, turns off the light, closes the door, gets really close (pre-COVID) and whispers “What do you want it to be?”

Strange Situation in the Pub

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

Dog in the Cinema

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him. He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it. The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded. When the lights come up he taps the dog's owner on the shoulder and tells him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie." The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book."

Adopted Son

A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado- Son: I'm adopted?! Mother: No, you're adorable Son: *sniffs* Thanks, mom Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center

grandpa and the just graduated

Grandpa: So what will you do for a living now that you earned your bachelor's degree?

Grandchild: I'm a model during the week, I'm a DJ in the weekends and an influencer by contract

Grandpa: I remember when I just graduated I was also unemployed son, be patient.

15 dollars Porsche

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream
"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!

Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."

water in the carburetor

A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.” The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.”
His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”
“In the pool.”