An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years. A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!" The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years." The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh, thank God. I thought you said *fifteen* years."
Jokes and Madness
best funny jokes
Expedition in the Amazon
A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon. They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death." After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor him." He takes a sword and impales himself. The natives take him away, skin him, and turn him into a canoe. The Brit says, "my father gave me his pistol on his deathbed. I shall shoot myself in honor of him." The Brit takes the gun and shoots himself. The natives take him away, skin him, and turn him into a canoe. Awhile later, the American asks for a fork. Confused they give him a fork and he starts stabbing himself all over. The natives scream out, "what are you doing?!" The American replies, "You're not turning me into a canoe!"
Iwan and his President
In the Theatre
Guards of a Bench
Einstein on the train
A Finnish War
Russian Hell vs. American Hell
Donation of Blood
New Years Diet
So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet. A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!" The wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale again when you're done and the difference is the weight of your poop?" And the husband says, "... yeah, I guess I could do it that way..."
Call her a Pig
A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig. The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig? The judge says, That is correct. And does it mean that I can't call a pig Ms. Harding? No, says the judge, you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that. The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.
A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection. The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?" The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."
Summer in the Cathedral
Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat. One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door. "Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable to see her, gives a slight nod behind the furniture before bringing it inside. Without a word, he leaves the cathedral, no sign of seeing her shame. An hour later, a second knock on the door. "Window man." Says he, to whom the second nun reluctantly opens the door. To her relief, again the man's sight was obstructed, the box for the windows wide and tall. The man strides in, giving a slight nod, before tirelessly leaving the box near the far wall and returning to his truck, unaware of the nuns nakedness. An hour later, the door is struck a third time. The man cries out "Blind man." With a sigh of relief, the third nun strolls to the door. Upon opening it, the man with the slight box looks her over. "Nice tits. So where do you want these blinds?"
Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some good things and some bad. I'm willing to let you in if you can answer me one question. Why do we celebrate easter?". The girls think about it for a bit and then the first blonde steps up and says, "Easter is when we get dressed up in scary outfits and knock on everyones doors and get candy." Saint Peter shakes his head, and announces "I'm sorry, but that's wrong.", taps her on the forehead and she disappears, banished to purgatory for eternity. The second blonde steps up and says "Well, that's we all get together to sing carols and exchange presents and decorate the tree." Again, Saint Peter shakes his head, steps forward and taps her on the forehead and she vanishes to purgatory. The last blonde steps forward and says "well, easter just so happens to occur near the time of the jewish passover, but originially, it was the celebration of when the Roman soldiers crucified Jesus. They then took his body and placed it in a giant cave behind a huge boulder." Saint Peter smiles and says "That's perfect!" The blonde looks upset as she continues on despite his interruption "And every Easter, they move the rock and let him out, and if Jesus sees his shadow, there will be another six weeks of winter!"
Hi darling, i just met the postman. He told me he made love with all girls in the neighbourhood exept one.
That must be our neighbour Carol, nobody anyway likes her.