Blind Horse

A sports car is driving in Amish country. He skids on the road and crashes into a ditch. He gets out unharmed and looks at his car in dismay. A few minutes later an Amish man comes riding by in a horse and buggy. The Amish man stops and asks, "Would you like some help, English?". The man quickly says he would, and just as quickly the Amish man dismounts and ties his horse to the car. "Alright Nelly, pull!". The horse remains motionless. "Now you Chester, Pull!". The horse again, does nothing. "Come Blacky, pull!". Finally the horse takes some steps and effortlessly pulls the car out of the ditch and back onto the road. "Woah, Blacky, that's good!", the Amish man calls and the horse stops. The motorist shakes the Amish man's hand and says, "I really appreciate the help, but why did you call that horse by three different names?" "Oh, the Amish man says, that horse is blind. He's easily strong enough to do it, you see, but if he thought he was doing it alone he wouldn't even try."

Magical Staircase

A blonde is at a magical staircase that’s 100 steps high. At the top of the stairs are untold riches, but in order to get to the top, you have to hear a joke from each individual stair and not laugh. If you laugh at any joke, you can’t go any higher. The jokes start off lame, but get progressively funnier. The first joke comes and the blonde is stoic. Second. Third. Not even a smile. She get’s to the 99th step and before the step even tells the joke she bursts out laughing. “Why are you laughing, I haven’t even told the joke!” The blonde wiped away tears of laughter and replied, “I just got the first one.”

Iwan and his President

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks 
- Where are you from, private? 
- Sir, St. Petersburg 
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father? 
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
 - That is impossible, how can that be? 
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country. 
 Surprised but pleased, Putin tell the recruit: 
 - That actually makes sense, but really who's your mother then? 
- Sir, my mother is Russia. 
- How so? 
- Because people always say Russia is mother of all people, all ethnic, all nation.
Laughing out loud, Putin's liken the new recruit with great hope and ask him friendly. 
 - Spectacular private, what role model do you want to become? 
- I want to be an orphan, sir.

In the Theatre

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man. “Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?” The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says “Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved” Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police. Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, “alright buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam” the man moans. “And where ya from Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “the balcony”.

Guards of a Bench

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. " He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the major said its because the previous commander ordered it. So he calls that commander, now a lt. Colonel asking why he ordered it, gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander. The captain goes through this song and dance a couple more times before he gets a hold of an old retired 4 star General. He politely calls him up and asks him why he ordered his men to guard this bench that all the commanders since then have maintained the tradition. The old retired General goes "wait, is the paint still wet?"

Einstein on the train

Einstein was once travelling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn’t find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn’t there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn’t find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn’t find it. The conductor said, “Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I’m sure you bought a ticket. Don’t worry about it”. Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket. The conductor rushed back and said, “Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don’t worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don’t need a ticket. I’m sure you bought one”. Einstein looked at him and said, “Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don’t know is where I’m going”.

A Finnish War


During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland. He replied “first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets”. The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why. “We are civilized people. Work comes before pleasure”, the general replied.

Russian Hell vs. American Hell

A Russian and an American are sentenced to Hell. The Devil summons them and says: “Guys, you have 2 options: an American or Russian Hell. In the American one you can do what you want, but you’ll have to eat a bucket of shit every morning. The Russian one is the same, but it’s 2 buckets.” The Yankee quickly makes up his mind and goes to American Hell, while the Russian eventually chooses the Russian one. In a week or so they meet. The Russian asks: “So, what’s it like out there?” “Exactly what the devil said, the Hell itself is OK, but eating a bucket of shit is killing me. And you?” “Ah, it feels just like home – either the shit doesn’t get delivered or there aren’t enough buckets for everyone.”

Donation of Blood


I was wanted to donate blood today, but they ask too many personal questions. Like who’s blood is this and where did I get it.

New Years Diet

 So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet. A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!" The wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale again when you're done and the difference is the weight of your poop?" And the husband says, "... yeah, I guess I could do it that way..."

Call her a Pig

 A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig. The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig? The judge says, That is correct. And does it mean that I can't call a pig Ms. Harding? No, says the judge, you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that. The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.

First Offender

 

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection. The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?" The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

Summer in the Cathedral

Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat. One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door. "Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable to see her, gives a slight nod behind the furniture before bringing it inside. Without a word, he leaves the cathedral, no sign of seeing her shame. An hour later, a second knock on the door. "Window man." Says he, to whom the second nun reluctantly opens the door. To her relief, again the man's sight was obstructed, the box for the windows wide and tall. The man strides in, giving a slight nod, before tirelessly leaving the box near the far wall and returning to his truck, unaware of the nuns nakedness. An hour later, the door is struck a third time. The man cries out "Blind man." With a sigh of relief, the third nun strolls to the door. Upon opening it, the man with the slight box looks her over. "Nice tits. So where do you want these blinds?"

Fixing Things

 

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, one of the pipes in the upstairs bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says, “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?” He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next day the husband comes home and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. The wife says, “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “The nerve of him! So, what kind of cake did you bake?” asks the husband. "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

Criminal Customer

A known criminal walks into a restaurant on a cold Sunday morning. The owner immediately calls the cops on the criminal. While he is being dragged out by the cops he asks the owner "is this how you treat your customers, are cops the only thing on the menu". The owner replied with just one sentence: "Just tea is served".

Long Bridge

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports to the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust every natural resource I have made. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy. The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Easter knowledge

 Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some good things and some bad. I'm willing to let you in if you can answer me one question. Why do we celebrate easter?". The girls think about it for a bit and then the first blonde steps up and says, "Easter is when we get dressed up in scary outfits and knock on everyones doors and get candy." Saint Peter shakes his head, and announces "I'm sorry, but that's wrong.", taps her on the forehead and she disappears, banished to purgatory for eternity. The second blonde steps up and says "Well, that's we all get together to sing carols and exchange presents and decorate the tree." Again, Saint Peter shakes his head, steps forward and taps her on the forehead and she vanishes to purgatory. The last blonde steps forward and says "well, easter just so happens to occur near the time of the jewish passover, but originially, it was the celebration of when the Roman soldiers crucified Jesus. They then took his body and placed it in a giant cave behind a huge boulder." Saint Peter smiles and says "That's perfect!" The blonde looks upset as she continues on despite his interruption "And every Easter, they move the rock and let him out, and if Jesus sees his shadow, there will be another six weeks of winter!"

Postman

 

Hi darling, i just met the postman. He told me he made love with all girls in the neighbourhood exept one. 

 That must be our neighbour Carol, nobody anyway likes her. 

 What?

Charges

A farmer drove to a neighbour’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!". The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $50 for the bulls and $15 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

Residence in Heaven

 An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving. The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity." Then St Peter turns to the Uber driver, and said, "For your 2 years as an Uber driver, we will give you a giant mansion by the lake, and a Ferrari in a heated garage." The priest thought it was strange and unfair, and protested, "Why does the Uber driver deserve so much more than me, when I have devoted my whole life to the church and God?" St Peter explained, "You see - during your sermons, half of the audience was sleeping, and the other half was just looking at their phones; but when the Uber driver was driving, everyone was praying!"