Dog in the Cinema

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him. He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it. The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded. When the lights come up he taps the dog's owner on the shoulder and tells him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie." The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book."

Adopted Son

A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado- Son: I'm adopted?! Mother: No, you're adorable Son: *sniffs* Thanks, mom Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center

grandpa and the just graduated

Grandpa: So what will you do for a living now that you earned your bachelor's degree?

Grandchild: I'm a model during the week, I'm a DJ in the weekends and an influencer by contract

Grandpa: I remember when I just graduated I was also unemployed son, be patient.

15 dollars Porsche

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream
"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!

Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."

water in the carburetor

A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.” The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.”
His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”
“In the pool.”

help at the customs

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

orange juice in bath

DOCTOR:'Did you drink your orange juice after your bath?'
PATIENT:'After drinking the bath I didn't have too much room for the orange juice.'

smell of dirty forks

A blind man went to a restaurant. Menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!

fly in the soup

Man in a Restaurant: 'Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!'
Waiter: 'Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills them.'

Einstein knocks on heaven's door

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea what some people will do to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!" Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

Mary and her lamb

Mary had a little lamb
she shot it with a gun
she sold it to McDonald's
and now its on a bun.

Jews in Mexico

An Austrian asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”

fast food and illegal immigration

Why is Fast Food increasing illegal immigration?
"Fast" food slows you down when it hits your stomach, parks there, and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship.

fart in the bar

A man walks in a bar with his ipod... He suddenly realises he needs to fart. He logs into Itunes and ups the volume thinking 'the music is loud no one will hear' So he farts... When he looks around, everyone's staring at him. Then he realises... He was listening to his ipod with headphones.

the dandruff problem

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

blond in the bar

A blonde walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "For Men Only". "I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender. "We only serve men in this place." "That's OK, " says the blonde. "I'll take two of them..."

blind in a bar

A blind guy with a seeing eye dog walks into a bar. Suddenly, he starts swinging the dog around on the leash. The bartender says "SIR STOP!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!" The blind says "Oh i'm just looking around...

modern times

A frustrated Japanese father vented, "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player." "So what do you do?" asked his friend. "I send him to MY room!" exclaimed the father.

3 lies from texas

What are the 3 lies a Texan will always tell?
(1) I won this belt buckle at a rodeo!
(2) My pick-up is paid for!
(3) I was just helping that SHEEP over the fence!

never without you

Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."
Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?"
Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."

best jokes