First Offender

 

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection. The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?" The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

The dead Composer

 

A prolific composer dies and is buried in him hometown. Weeks after the funeral, one of the townspeople gets drunk and tries to find his way home. In his drunken stupor, he finds himself lost in the graveyard. When he comes across the composer's grave, he begins to hear a strange, haunting melody. This terrifies him, and he runs out of the graveyard screaming.

The next day, the drunk recounts the experience to his drinking buddies. None of them believe a single word, but his best friend, aiming to put his fears to rest, goes out into the graveyard himself. To his surprise, he hears the same haunting melodies. He quickly brings this to the attention of the town, who begin to crowd around the composer's grave. Eventually, the town music teacher is asked to identify the songs. He puts his ear to the grave:

"Strange! This is his 8th symphony, but backwards!"

The town gasps. The teacher raises his hand to indicate he's not done.

"Now it's his 7th symphony backwards! Now his 6th, now his 5th, and-"

The teacher blinks, then gets up and begins brushing off his clothes.

"No need to be alarmed. He's just decomposing."