Showing posts with label man and woman jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label man and woman jokes. Show all posts

New Years Diet

 So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet. A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!" The wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale again when you're done and the difference is the weight of your poop?" And the husband says, "... yeah, I guess I could do it that way..."

Fixing Things

 

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, one of the pipes in the upstairs bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says, “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?” He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next day the husband comes home and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. The wife says, “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “The nerve of him! So, what kind of cake did you bake?” asks the husband. "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"