Hi darling, i just met the postman. He told me he made love with all girls in the neighbourhood exept one.
That must be our neighbour Carol, nobody anyway likes her.
What?
Showing posts with label family jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family jokes. Show all posts
Good Old Days
Dad: Son, you know what? Back in my days, I walk in a store just with a single dollar and come home with a bag of potato chips and two chocolate bars. Now they have cameras everywhere
Baby Names
A woman is in an accident while she's pregnant. While in a comma she has twins (a boy and a girl). When she woke up she asked the doctor were her baby was. The doctor said she had twins but her brother named them. She replied,"My brother is an idiot I wonder what names he gave them. Anyway what did he name the girl?" "Denise", replied the doctor. That's not so bad."What about the boy", she finally asked. "Denephew"
Born in September
What does it mean if you were born in September?
That your parents started the new year with a bang!
Adopted Son
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado-
Son: I'm adopted?!
Mother: No, you're adorable
Son: *sniffs* Thanks, mom
Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
grandpa and the just graduated
Grandpa: So what will you do for a living now that you earned your bachelor's degree?
Grandchild: I'm a model during the week, I'm a DJ in the weekends and an influencer by contract
Grandpa: I remember when I just graduated I was also unemployed son, be patient.
Grandchild: I'm a model during the week, I'm a DJ in the weekends and an influencer by contract
Grandpa: I remember when I just graduated I was also unemployed son, be patient.
15 dollars Porsche
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream
"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!
Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!
Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
water in the carburetor
A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”
The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.”
His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”
“In the pool.”
But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.”
His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”
“In the pool.”
after mass
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.
He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
"Certainly father," she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
the boxing match
A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”
deer for dinner
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!"
how people were born
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
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