Vegetarian Bear

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably hungry." The three lumberjacks agree since none of them like to cook. After eating a nice vegetarian dinner with the bear at their campsite, the bear asks if he could sleep the night there. Sam replies with "no way! This is a trick for you to eat us." Dave says "aw c'mon Sam, the bear has been so nice to us, I'm sure he won't hurt us." After some discussion the lumberjacks agree to let the bear stay the night. The next morning Sam and Ben wake up to see Dave's carcass in his tent. They both get angry at the bear for eating Dave and kill it. While felling trees later that day, Sam asks Ben for advice on how to get stronger. Ben replies "Swing an axe, carry heavy logs, and never skip eating protein at any meal."

Blind Horse

A sports car is driving in Amish country. He skids on the road and crashes into a ditch. He gets out unharmed and looks at his car in dismay. A few minutes later an Amish man comes riding by in a horse and buggy. The Amish man stops and asks, "Would you like some help, English?". The man quickly says he would, and just as quickly the Amish man dismounts and ties his horse to the car. "Alright Nelly, pull!". The horse remains motionless. "Now you Chester, Pull!". The horse again, does nothing. "Come Blacky, pull!". Finally the horse takes some steps and effortlessly pulls the car out of the ditch and back onto the road. "Woah, Blacky, that's good!", the Amish man calls and the horse stops. The motorist shakes the Amish man's hand and says, "I really appreciate the help, but why did you call that horse by three different names?" "Oh, the Amish man says, that horse is blind. He's easily strong enough to do it, you see, but if he thought he was doing it alone he wouldn't even try."

Call her a Pig

 A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig. The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig? The judge says, That is correct. And does it mean that I can't call a pig Ms. Harding? No, says the judge, you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that. The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.

Three Moles

 

Three moles live in a hole together. One day a pancake breakfast is set up around the mole hole. One of the three moles sticks his head out of the hole and says, "I smell syrup!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says, "I smell ketchup!" The third mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but cannot because the other two are blocking him. Frustrated, he says, "All I smell is molasses!"

About Bees

 

Once the Bodybuilder Bee left his wife. She called a friend for a shoulder to cry on, and she rushed over with chocolate and two bottles of wine.
As they were sitting there, talking and drinking, the now-ex wife said „I still don’t understand it. He said the reason was because he wanted to be a pastor?“
Her friend replied „Well, he’s always been a strong bee-leaver.“

For a walk with the dog

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come and ask you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline and rubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle? The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.

Dog in the Cinema

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him. He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it. The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded. When the lights come up he taps the dog's owner on the shoulder and tells him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie." The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book."

Mary and her lamb

Mary had a little lamb
she shot it with a gun
she sold it to McDonald's
and now its on a bun.

blind in a bar

A blind guy with a seeing eye dog walks into a bar. Suddenly, he starts swinging the dog around on the leash. The bartender says "SIR STOP!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!" The blind says "Oh i'm just looking around...

bugs to eat

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

the dam fish

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

big pause

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and ... cola." "Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."

place in heaven

A Doberman, a Golden Retriever and a cat died and met God. God said to them, “Tell me why I should let you into heaven.” The Doberman said, “I’ll protect you with my life.” God said, “You can sit at my right side.” The Golden Retriever said, “I will fetch your slippers and anything else you ask me to.” God said, “Then you can sit at my left side.” Finally, God looked at the cat and said, “And what will you do?” The cat said, “Excuse me. I think you’re sitting in my seat.”