An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years. A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!" The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years." The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh, thank God. I thought you said *fifteen* years."
- During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland. He replied “first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets”. The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why. “We are civilized people. Work…
- So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet. A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!" The wife says, "That's great; I never…
- A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection. The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?" The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."
- A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"