Jokes and Madness
best funny jokes
Vegetarian Bear
sex lives
Wasted Carpet
Buried in China
Three men were buried under a landslide in China. They're inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still have cell phone connection. The first man made a phone call to the police: "I'm a good citizen and husband, please come save us!" The police tell him they will come for them in 24 hours The second man made a phone call to the army: "Comrade, I served the country as you do, please get me out of here!" The soldier tell him they will come for them in 12 hours The final man made a phone call to someone, and made a whisper which the other two man can't hear Within an hour, the men were dug out and rescued A group of police officer walks up to the weary men: "Alright, which one of you said Taiwan is a country?"
Environment speech
An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years. A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!" The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years." The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh, thank God. I thought you said *fifteen* years."
Expedition in the Amazon
A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon. They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death." After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor him." He takes a sword and impales himself. The natives take him away, skin him, and turn him into a canoe. The Brit says, "my father gave me his pistol on his deathbed. I shall shoot myself in honor of him." The Brit takes the gun and shoots himself. The natives take him away, skin him, and turn him into a canoe. Awhile later, the American asks for a fork. Confused they give him a fork and he starts stabbing himself all over. The natives scream out, "what are you doing?!" The American replies, "You're not turning me into a canoe!"
Blind Horse
Magical Staircase
Iwan and his President
In the Theatre
Guards of a Bench
Einstein on the train
A Finnish War
Russian Hell vs. American Hell
Donation of Blood
New Years Diet
So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet. A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!" The wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale again when you're done and the difference is the weight of your poop?" And the husband says, "... yeah, I guess I could do it that way..."
Call her a Pig
A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig. The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig? The judge says, That is correct. And does it mean that I can't call a pig Ms. Harding? No, says the judge, you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that. The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.
First Offender
A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection. The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?" The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."
Summer in the Cathedral
Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat. One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door. "Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable to see her, gives a slight nod behind the furniture before bringing it inside. Without a word, he leaves the cathedral, no sign of seeing her shame. An hour later, a second knock on the door. "Window man." Says he, to whom the second nun reluctantly opens the door. To her relief, again the man's sight was obstructed, the box for the windows wide and tall. The man strides in, giving a slight nod, before tirelessly leaving the box near the far wall and returning to his truck, unaware of the nuns nakedness. An hour later, the door is struck a third time. The man cries out "Blind man." With a sigh of relief, the third nun strolls to the door. Upon opening it, the man with the slight box looks her over. "Nice tits. So where do you want these blinds?"
Fixing Things
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, one of the pipes in the upstairs bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says, “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?” He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next day the husband comes home and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. The wife says, “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “The nerve of him! So, what kind of cake did you bake?” asks the husband. "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"