Vegetarian Bear

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably hungry." The three lumberjacks agree since none of them like to cook. After eating a nice vegetarian dinner with the bear at their campsite, the bear asks if he could sleep the night there. Sam replies with "no way! This is a trick for you to eat us." Dave says "aw c'mon Sam, the bear has been so nice to us, I'm sure he won't hurt us." After some discussion the lumberjacks agree to let the bear stay the night. The next morning Sam and Ben wake up to see Dave's carcass in his tent. They both get angry at the bear for eating Dave and kill it. While felling trees later that day, Sam asks Ben for advice on how to get stronger. Ben replies "Swing an axe, carry heavy logs, and never skip eating protein at any meal."

sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week". The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active sex life". The 80-year old man laughs and shakes his head. "What a sad pair you two make. I'm an old fart and I bang my wife almost every day of the week". The other two look at him in disbelief. "It's true", he says, "almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday,..."

Wasted Carpet

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Buried in China

Three men were buried under a landslide in China. They're inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still have cell phone connection. The first man made a phone call to the police: "I'm a good citizen and husband, please come save us!" The police tell him they will come for them in 24 hours The second man made a phone call to the army: "Comrade, I served the country as you do, please get me out of here!" The soldier tell him they will come for them in 12 hours The final man made a phone call to someone, and made a whisper which the other two man can't hear Within an hour, the men were dug out and rescued A group of police officer walks up to the weary men: "Alright, which one of you said Taiwan is a country?"

Environment speech

An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years. A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!" The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years." The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh, thank God. I thought you said *fifteen* years."

Expedition in the Amazon

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon. They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death." After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor him." He takes a sword and impales himself. The natives take him away, skin him, and turn him into a canoe. The Brit says, "my father gave me his pistol on his deathbed. I shall shoot myself in honor of him." The Brit takes the gun and shoots himself. The natives take him away, skin him, and turn him into a canoe. Awhile later, the American asks for a fork. Confused they give him a fork and he starts stabbing himself all over. The natives scream out, "what are you doing?!" The American replies, "You're not turning me into a canoe!"

Blind Horse

A sports car is driving in Amish country. He skids on the road and crashes into a ditch. He gets out unharmed and looks at his car in dismay. A few minutes later an Amish man comes riding by in a horse and buggy. The Amish man stops and asks, "Would you like some help, English?". The man quickly says he would, and just as quickly the Amish man dismounts and ties his horse to the car. "Alright Nelly, pull!". The horse remains motionless. "Now you Chester, Pull!". The horse again, does nothing. "Come Blacky, pull!". Finally the horse takes some steps and effortlessly pulls the car out of the ditch and back onto the road. "Woah, Blacky, that's good!", the Amish man calls and the horse stops. The motorist shakes the Amish man's hand and says, "I really appreciate the help, but why did you call that horse by three different names?" "Oh, the Amish man says, that horse is blind. He's easily strong enough to do it, you see, but if he thought he was doing it alone he wouldn't even try."

Magical Staircase

A blonde is at a magical staircase that’s 100 steps high. At the top of the stairs are untold riches, but in order to get to the top, you have to hear a joke from each individual stair and not laugh. If you laugh at any joke, you can’t go any higher. The jokes start off lame, but get progressively funnier. The first joke comes and the blonde is stoic. Second. Third. Not even a smile. She get’s to the 99th step and before the step even tells the joke she bursts out laughing. “Why are you laughing, I haven’t even told the joke!” The blonde wiped away tears of laughter and replied, “I just got the first one.”

Iwan and his President

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks 

- Where are you from, private? 

- Sir, St. Petersburg 

- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father? 

- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.

 - That is impossible, how can that be? 

- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country. 

 Surprised but pleased, Putin tell the recruit: 

 - That actually makes sense, but really who's your mother then? 

- Sir, my mother is Russia. 

- How so? 

- Because people always say Russia is mother of all people, all ethnic, all nation.

Laughing out loud, Putin's liken the new recruit with great hope and ask him friendly. 

 - Spectacular private, what role model do you want to become? 

- I want to be an orphan, sir.

In the Theatre

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man. “Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?” The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says “Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved” Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police. Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, “alright buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam” the man moans. “And where ya from Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “the balcony”.

Guards of a Bench

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. " He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the major said its because the previous commander ordered it. So he calls that commander, now a lt. Colonel asking why he ordered it, gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander. The captain goes through this song and dance a couple more times before he gets a hold of an old retired 4 star General. He politely calls him up and asks him why he ordered his men to guard this bench that all the commanders since then have maintained the tradition. The old retired General goes "wait, is the paint still wet?"

Einstein on the train

Einstein was once travelling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn’t find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn’t there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn’t find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn’t find it. The conductor said, “Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I’m sure you bought a ticket. Don’t worry about it”. Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket. The conductor rushed back and said, “Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don’t worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don’t need a ticket. I’m sure you bought one”. Einstein looked at him and said, “Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don’t know is where I’m going”.

A Finnish War

During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland. He replied “first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets”. The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why. “We are civilized people. Work comes before pleasure”, the general replied.

Russian Hell vs. American Hell

A Russian and an American are sentenced to Hell. The Devil summons them and says: “Guys, you have 2 options: an American or Russian Hell. In the American one you can do what you want, but you’ll have to eat a bucket of shit every morning. The Russian one is the same, but it’s 2 buckets.” The Yankee quickly makes up his mind and goes to American Hell, while the Russian eventually chooses the Russian one. In a week or so they meet. The Russian asks: “So, what’s it like out there?” “Exactly what the devil said, the Hell itself is OK, but eating a bucket of shit is killing me. And you?” “Ah, it feels just like home – either the shit doesn’t get delivered or there aren’t enough buckets for everyone.”

Donation of Blood

I was wanted to donate blood today, but they ask too many personal questions. Like who’s blood is this and where did I get it.

New Years Diet

 So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet. A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!" The wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale again when you're done and the difference is the weight of your poop?" And the husband says, "... yeah, I guess I could do it that way..."

Call her a Pig

 A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig. The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig? The judge says, That is correct. And does it mean that I can't call a pig Ms. Harding? No, says the judge, you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that. The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.

First Offender

 

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection. The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?" The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

Summer in the Cathedral

Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat. One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door. "Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable to see her, gives a slight nod behind the furniture before bringing it inside. Without a word, he leaves the cathedral, no sign of seeing her shame. An hour later, a second knock on the door. "Window man." Says he, to whom the second nun reluctantly opens the door. To her relief, again the man's sight was obstructed, the box for the windows wide and tall. The man strides in, giving a slight nod, before tirelessly leaving the box near the far wall and returning to his truck, unaware of the nuns nakedness. An hour later, the door is struck a third time. The man cries out "Blind man." With a sigh of relief, the third nun strolls to the door. Upon opening it, the man with the slight box looks her over. "Nice tits. So where do you want these blinds?"

Fixing Things

 

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, one of the pipes in the upstairs bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says, “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?” He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next day the husband comes home and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. The wife says, “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “The nerve of him! So, what kind of cake did you bake?” asks the husband. "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"